How Deidara Joined The Akatsuki
by Pinkyni21
Summary: Madara was sitting on a stump thinking about the lack of members in the organization when he was distracted by a little blonde boy with mouths on his hands. Crack


_This is what happens when two friends are bored while talking about Naruto. ..._

_Disclaimer: If I did own Naruto, Madara and Orochimaru would be confirmed pedophiles. (:_

_Warning: Orochimaru and Madara bashing and Pedophiles._

**How Deidara Joined Akatsuki**

Deidara was talking to the other members one day while in the kitchen of the hideout. Most of the conversations focused on recent missions and others about what dinner would be. One question stood out. It was asked by none other than the immortal Jashinist himself, Hidan.

"Hey Blondie! You never fucking told us how you joined the Akatsuki!" Deidara froze at the question. Did they really not know? Oh, now he remembered. The only ones there were Pein and...he who shall not be named.

"Well you see..."

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><p><em>*7 Years Ago*<em>

Madara was sitting on a stump, pondering the disappearance of his last member of his EVIL organization, Akatsuki.

"Orochimaru… such a pedophile… reminded me of myself back in the day! Yes and that tongue of his," Madara's gaze became unfocused. "That long, long tongue of his. Shame it was never used to its… uh… full capabilities."

Yes, the last that he had seen of Orochimaru was the stump of a hand kept in Itachi's possession. Though there were rumors of a snake-like man leading little children away from their villages. But of course, Orochimaru would never do that.

Speaking of pedophiles, it had just occurred to Madara he was short one member. Though Madara's members were never very… short, if you get what I mean.

"Hmm… This is a distressing matter; I can't complete my evil con-volluted Moon's Eye plan without a full cast of members."

"Indeed, my organization seems to be lacking something… A certain…" Somewhere far away, a man in a green jumpsuit had been taken the sudden urge to scream "Youthfulness!"

"What was that? No, it's probably nothing. But I do get the feeling that lacks-," Madara was suddenly distracted by a small tug upon his sleeve.

"Mister," a small adorable blonde haired boy, about the age of 13 asked, "are you insane, un? Cause you're talking to yourself, un."

"No you little-," Madara's attention by an odd feeling of… moistness on his arm. The kind of hot moistness he knew well to only come from the mouths of little children, just at the mark of puberty.

"Boy, do you have mouths on your hands?"

"Umm… No, un?"

"It's alright boy, it's quite fine with me." Oh yes, it very fine with Madara.

"Really, mister?" The boys azure eyes were gleaming with childish innocence.

"Quite, in fact I'm sure I have something sweet for you and your mouths to… suck on, if you would only just follow me back to my home."

"But mister, you're supposed to take me on a date, un, before you take me home."

Madara twitched; this one had a mouth of a different kind on him, too. Unfortunately, Madara was willing to forgive that.

"Don't worry; you'll have quite a meal when we get home. In fact, I'm sure you'll be coming back for more before you know it."

"Are you speaking in innuendos? You seem ,un, suspiciously like a pedophile…"

Madara faked a gasp. "Me? Do I look like a pedophile to you?"

The boy analyzed him. Dark black cloak, mask that hides face, creepy dark voice, and continuously grasping hands.

"Yes, un. You practically scream pedophile."

"Nuh unh!" Madara pretended to whine, playing the arguing siblings card.

"Yeah hunh!" Madara had slowly begun to walk back to the base as the little boy was distracted.

"NUH UNH!"

"YES HUNH!"

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><p>Pein had had a bad day. After countless hours of paperwork and trying to convince Konan to let him get a female path (and he would have one!) all he wanted was to relax and maybe fuck Konan a couple times. Nothing out of the ordinary. Just as he was about to find Konan, a crazed laughter filled the halls.<p>

"Hidan? But he hasn't… oh wait, the door chime. That means Madara is back."

"Pein! I brought our knew member!" Pein turned around to see Madara holding a little blonde girl up into his face.

"See look! He's adorable!"

"Madara, that's obviously a girl."

The boys face turned red anger. "God damn it, I'm a boy!"

"That's right Pein. My pedo-senses have yet to fail me!"

Pein realized the truth in this statement. Madara had found his younger self at the age of 16.

"Fine, What's his name, age and special skills?"

Madara paused. "Uhh…" Madara glanced down at the kid before bringing his eyes back up to Pein. "Hand mouths."

"Hand mouths?" Pein took a minute to think of a reason why Madara would want a kid with hand mouths before he remember that it was Madara afterall. "Madara you sick fuck! How old is this boy? Eight? God Madara, you have done some stupid things before but this is-"

"Piercing man, un! I am thirteen and my name is Deidara not boy!"

"It's Pein, not piercing man and Madara you kidnapped a thirteen year old boy?" Madara shrugged.

"Yes."

"And you see nothing wrong this?"

"Nope."

"Not at all?"

"Nope."

"So you are saying that there is nothing wrong with you kidnapping this boy?"

"Yes."

"Madara you could be his great grandfather and you see nothing wrong with that?"

"Not at all." Pein resisted the urge to facepalm.

"You know what Madara go ahead and let him join. I really don't care anymore." Deidara quickly grabbed Pein's hand before he could leave.

"Please don't leave me alone with him, un! He'll rape me!"

"That's what you get for being a cute child."

"W-what, un?"

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><p><em>*Present*<em>

All of the other Akatsuki members stared wide-eyed at the bomber. Only Itachi turned to glare at 'Tobi'. He knew there was something weird about how Madara 'trained' him when he was younger.

"..." For the first time in his life Hidan actually had nothing to say.

"Now you know why I hate this organization, un." With that Deidara left to go blow up life sized clay models of both Madara and Pein.

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><p><em>Liked it? :D<em>

_If I get enough reviews I will gladly turn this one-shot into a short chapter story. ^^_

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